"This must be a very holy place -- it's named for a saint."

Why is America's wildest city named for a saint? Why is America's shaking-est city also its favorite tourist destination? Why does 8th Street intersect with 15th Street under the 6th Street Bridge, while 19th Avenue is 5 miles away on the other side of town? Where do radio traffic reports include a rush-hour backup caused by sea lions crossing the freeway? It could only happen in San Francisco.

For the brief 150 years of its dazzling, tumultuous existence, San Francisco has taken real pride in its goofiness.

A few weeks ago, a man and a woman were kicked out of a bar for kissing. It was a gay bar, where rules allow kissing only by same-sex couples. Only in San Francisco...

Last month, a hawk was flying off to enjoy the 4-foot snake it had caught. But the big twisting snake escaped the hawk's talons, fell through a Volvo's sun roof, and landed on the seat next to a lady driving the twisting mountain road. The driver of the following car said the lady should have won a gold medal for snake-tossing. Only in San Francisco...

Here comes the annual Bay-to-Breakers foot race. Streets are closed so competitors can run 7 miles across the city. The race starts downtown, leads up and down grueling hills, and ends at the oceanside. It is a heroic struggle by world-class athletes, who complete the run in a couple of hours. But San Francisco makes running an all-day party, and thousands run just for the fun. Many wear wild costumes, and some wear nothing at all. Many stop for a picnic, or at a favorite bar for a drink. Only in San Francisco...

Religion contributes to San Francisco's goofiness, too. A recent public outcry forced the Catholic Church to keep a landmark church open despite the fact that few attend it. When American Atheists demanded the removal of a large cross on public land, church-going city officials offered to sell the small piece of real estate under the cross to any private group who would keep the cross intact. Clueless in San Francisco...

Last week, a well-known police officer killed himself in his patrol car, leaving a suicide note for his wife and two college student children. How did his church respond to this tragedy for his family, his department and the whole city? They rushed two (count 'em -- two) priests to the site to administer the last rites. Clueless in San Francisco.

Also last week, a priest of the San Francisco-based Church of Satan changed the course of local sports by performing at a party for civic leaders. His unusual act included having a satanic pentagram carved into his bloody back, being sodomized on stage by a bottle of Jack Daniels wieled by a woman dressed as Pochahontas, and being urinated on by other members of the cast. Only in San Francisco...

This must be a very holy place -- it's named for a saint.

"Gentleman Jim Heldberg" writes from his favorite City by The Bay, and welcomes mail at jheldberg@atheists.org.

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